Swindle Memories
A collection of anecdotes from the Saturday Swindle
22 January 2022
Is golf like football? A game of two halves or what!
(Or the greatest comeback since Lazarus!)
Contributed by John Machin
Yes - yesterday’s Bain Bowl match between Colin Reardon and Iain Maxwell was just that. And I can say I was there. Iain set out his stall from the off with a cracking drive up the first. Colin’s tee shot ricocheting back off the wooden fence resulting in an unsettling visit to The Pit. 3 successive opening pars from Iain left Colin 3 down before he could blink and saying that he felt out of sorts teeing off into the right hand bushes up the 4th. Something to do with him taking a Nytol tablet the night before. And so this pattern of nightmare play for Colin continued with Iain leaving the 9th green 7-UP (so good they named a drink after it) and Colin with only 7 Stableford points to his name.
At this point I stupidly, and in hindsight ill advisedly, said to Iain that I’d eat his shorts if he lost the match. As by the time we reached the 14th green Colin had won all 5 holes over the road and was now just 2 down. At this point I asked Iain what flavour shorts he was wearing and if he had any tomato (definitely not HP) sauce to hand.
Iain’s change of fortune continued until the very last with Colin taking every single hole on the back 9 to win the game by 2 holes. Insult could have been added to injury had Colin holed a very sinkable chance for a par on the last to take all the bits. But with Iain finishing with a 5 Colin’s 4 was more than enough to seal the biggest comeback since Lazarus. It was so totally unbelievable that I’m wondering if it was all just a dream or not.
Now just where did I put that Nytol?
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10 January 2019
When is an attended flag not helpful to your game?
Contributed by John Machin
I’m sure we are all aware of the new options that are now available to us from the beginning of 2019 once we have reached our hole goal - i.e. when putting on the green. So the flag, should one leave it in, take it out or have someone there to shake it all about? After reading this tale you decide!
Imagine the scene. Fellow Cheeky Boys Scott, Trevor and I had already putted out on the 15th (with a par for me, for the bits of course). Totally out of character, but not for the first time that round I might add, we were waiting patiently for Graham to play catch up, (his tee shot having unfortunately gone badly astray in the left hand trees). After a few challenging recovery shots Graham eventually reaches the top side of the 15th green and is now staring down the barrel of a rather long putt for a 5 for one. So the pressure is well and truly on, and this putt is going to take some time for thought. So Graham very carefully marks his ball, picks it up and diligently polishes its battered dimpled surface to an acceptable shine before going through his tried and tested putting routine (spookily very Owen Farrell’esque) of carefully aiming the line on his ball at the flag (being attended by the very patient, and somewhat uncharacteristically muted, Scott). We fellow Cheeky Boy players are mere arena spectators to “Graham the Gladiator” at this point and, as if time were standing still, simply watched as he did a couple of tentative trial putting strokes before settling comfortably over his nestling ball. Not a word has been spoken since Graham arrived on the green. I don’t think anyone in the assembled crowd can have been breathing fully at this time as there was an audible gasp as Graham finally swung his weapon of choice back and then forward in order to make contact with his somewhat expectant ball. Player and ball are now fully committed and the ball is heading directly for the flag at speed. OH NO TOTAL DISASTER! No longer able to contain himself Scott blurts out “Graham, what on earth are you doing man?”. ( I para - phrase, get it “para phrase"). Trevor and I are already in fits of laughter and fighting for air quite badly. As unfortunately, and clearly totally unbeknown to Graham, Scott was actually standing about 10 feet away from the said 15th hole. Our uncontrollable laughter did not truly subside until we were standing on the 16th tee and then readily and spontaneously erupted at several points again whilst we completed our cheeky round.
You just can’t make this sort of stuff up can you. I felt so sorry for my partner Graham! He got no sympathy whatsoever from his fellow players for his unfortunate downfall. Sorry Graham, we hope you will forgive us!
Longest "Bain Bowl" match
On 24 January 2009 John Machin beat Steve Gray in the Bain Bowl. The win was most impressive having started his round with a desperate lack of sleep and wondering if he had any blood in his alcohol stream he found himself six down at the turn! He managed to get it back to level on 18 before finally overcoming Steve on the 5th extra hole!
Snow Good!
Thirteen Swindlers turned up for the first round of 2006, but only four played!
The initial sleety drizzle turned into a concerted snow storm as the players sipped their coffee and exchanged seasonal stories. The course was closed for inspection, then opened with four temporary greens and the dawn chorus table tee'd off into the white unknown. A few minutes later they were seen trudging back down the first, defeated by their first putts which traveled only 2-3 feet before picking up a heavy band of snow.
The course was then closed again, and the first of the Swindlers decided to drift off back to their warm duvets.
The hardy souls stayed with the hope that the snow would stop, the temperature would rise, and they could start their round in their shorts and polo shirts. No chance. More Swindlers drifted away, and just the "Mad Dogs" remained, thinking, "It's a Saturday. I play golf!".
Eventually, the course was again re-opened, with 18 temporary greens, the Medal competition cancelled and a Stableford replacing it. The remaining four nutters, Nick Hayward, Chris Daniel, Tony Malyon and Colin Reardon wandered round to the first tee, threw up the balls, and the pairing of Malyon & Daniel got their first ever chance to play together (be nice!). Four good tee shots (honest!) and off they trundled through the white-out up the first. Problem! How the hell do you see a white golf ball in the snow? Answer. You search a lot, and follow the green line!
Malyon/Daniel win the first with a par. Having to hit the putts through 1/2" of snow is not easy. A six-foot putt needs to be hit about as hard as you would usually hit a 30-foot putt on a normal green!
Yellow and orange balls replace the white for Malyon & Reardon as the drives zing down the second (Reardon onto the cricket square as usual). Approach shots head towards the second temporary green with various degrees of success. Reardon's approach from way out in the boonies leaves him just 15-feet from the pin and he chips in for the birdie! All square.
With Hayward and Daniel using white balls (and Hayward's hands a matching colour), finding the balls on the fairways proved increasingly difficult ... just follow the green line. But I don't think that a single ball was lost!
Hayward and Reardon then win four consecutive holes to take the front-nine and then the revival begins. On the 12th, it's all square and then Malyon/Daniel go one-up on 13.
By the time the match arrives at the 18th, nearly all the snow has gone, and it's back to putting on grass. What a weird experience! Hayward's birdie 2 takes the ooslums and halves the match. The only money that changes hands is the bits.
A really odd golfing experience, but all the players agreed it was worth it.
Contributor: Colin Reardon, 14 January 2006
Splash Back
One summer morning, Trevor Bain was taking his stance on the 7th tee, just about to start his back-swing, when the tee sprinklers burst to life. Trevor was hit by a jet up his backside. The sprinklers went off immediately. After much mirth from the rest of the four-ball, Trevor again took his stance and was once again about to start his back-swing, when the sprinklers burst to life again! The rest of the group were uncontrollable with laughter as Trevor uttered a string of expletives. The sprinklers went off again immediately, and a very damp Trevor finally got his tee-shot away. Gary Simmons apologised, as the sprinklers were being tested. Great timing!
Contributor: Colin Reardon, 24 January 2005
Stuart joins the Swindle
Colin, Eric and Trevor were on the tee and (apparently) waiting for a fourth to complete a cross-country scramble team. Stuart Saunders had recently joined the club and was hoping for a game, but didn't realise the course was closed for the cross-country event. Colin suggested to Eric and Trevor that Stuart might be looking for a game, to which Eric responded, " if he has a pulse we will have him!". Stuart did have a pulse and duly made up the team - the bonus was his 28 handicap!
Contributor: Stuart Saunders, 31 January 2005
3 into 4 won't go
Swindles decide which pairs should play each other in foursomes by throwing the four balls in the air. Stuart had seen this being done, so wanting to appear to be "au fait" with the system volunteered to throw the balls in the air to decide how to pair a threesome!
Contributor: Stuart Saunders, 31 January 2005
Faux pas !
At the end of a day's golf in France, the 8 members of the group were invited to Colin's house for drinks - Trevor, Ken and Bob were staying with Colin and Eric, Ian S, Ian M and Stuart were staying at a nearby hotel. After drinks we all got into our cars for a short drive to the restaurant for dinner which took us past the hotel. Stuart was driving a maroon Renault "people carrier" with Eric in the passenger seat and the two Ians behind. As we passed the hotel car park Eric noticed a maroon Renault "people carrier" with its lights on, and reminded Stuart that he had left his lights on!!
Contributor: Stuart Saunders, 31 January 2005